A Very Bad Mum

Evil Mother: "Why haven't you put the laundry out like I told you to half an hour ago?"
Innocent Child: "Because the machine hasn't run."

Ooops.
Mind you, she could have pressed the on button for me. It was all loaded with soap etc...


The kids claim that this is a lie:
Lack of household chores making children less responsible, claims survey (Guardian)

Can anyone recall an example of a case where the printer jamming and Dad being too busy to fix it immediately has caused a fatality in teenagers wishing to print out song lyrics?

There weren't as many tins of rhubarb as I was expecting left in the cupboard so I'm cooking a rhubarb, papaya and banana crumble for tea today.

Me: "Why aren't you practicing your cello like I told you?"
Child:"Because I can't find it."

Child has been granted a later than usual bedtime tonight...

... in order that she doesn't miss the 'birth' of virtual kittens on an online game site.

Evil Mum: "Now children, your next job is to go to the washing machine and...?"
Oppressed Children: "... take out all the stuff and check all the pockets in everything for sweets."
Evil Mum: "And after you've done that you can go to the laundry basket and...?
Oppressed Children: "... take out all the stuff and check all the pockets in everything for sweets."
Evil Mum: "And after you've done that you have to chop down the tallest tree in the forest with...?
Oppressed Children: "... a herring."

Either:

1) World's Most Evil Mother In Child Labour Atrocity!!! Forces innocent teenager to do job so icky that no human should have to face it!

or

2) The person who ate the bacon should be the one who deals with the congealed fat in the pan afterwards.

Well, I've previously done blacks washes and whites washes, but today was the first purples wash.
No prizes for guessing the kids' favorite colour these days...

Fatherly advice on spicy food:

"Don't eat any more of the things that look like green beans."

In the old days I used to select and pack all the kids' clothes for them, nowadays my involvement is limited to insisting that they turn out the bags they have packed so it can be established that sufficient jumpers, clean underwear, waterproofs and toothbrushes were packed before all other available space was filled with books.

1) Discuss the need for tidiness with especial reference to things they own not getting stepped on, visitors not breaking ankles attempting to cross said bedroom and colonies of rodents such as cabybara not nesting in long forgotten corners...
2) Give up on reasoning and issue a decree
3) Make cup of tea
4) Re-issue decree, with addendum on the point that sorting out one's pencil case doesn't count.
5) Retreat to recover composure
6) Return and confiscate graphic novel / complete works of Shakespeare / magazine / etc.
7) Suggest that picking up bigger objects first would be more constructive than picking up little bits
8) Wish it was easier to get valium on prescription
9) Try to make appreciative noises about clear floor while also suggesting tactfully that dumping everything on one's bed rather than putting it away is likely to result in unforeseen complications around 9.30pm...

I do know where my towel is...
It's not in the bathroom where it's supposed to be, but the children's habits in such matters are relatively predictable.

Kids were lazing on the bed with us as yesterday evening as Dad had been reading 'Mansfield Park' to us all in installments.
The first attempt at bedtime led to a compromise of "Just one more chapter" given the argument on one side of "It's past your bed time" and, on the other side of "But tomorrow is Saturday".


Following the conclusion of the agreed chapter compliance on the part of the infantry was less than immediate:
Teenagers: "Aww Mum... we're not tired!"
Me: "Yes you are. You were horribly grumpy this morning, therefore you need more sleep."

[general grumbling and inertia on the part of children]

Me: "Go to bed or I'll tickle you".

There followed a short tickle fight, at the conclusion of which the infantry fled the field.

Oh, I now have a Dreamwidth account.
Feel free to add it if you like.

Children are not allowed to climb trees:

1) while the weather (and the tree) is wet
2) while wearing wellies
3) while wearing high heels
4) while in a silly giggly mood where they don't seem to be concentrating
5) while being babysat by anyone of a nervous disposition

... have I forgotten any other relevant circumstances?

Today we are having Xmas pudding and custard for dinner.

( There is a reason... )

The workings of a van engine were explained to junior members of the household, with especial reference to the operational principles of the crankshaft.

After pondering the subject for a while the response was: "You really wouldn't want to stick your hand in there, would you?"

Mine was slightly melted on account of my being lazy and not going along to the shop with the kids.

The junior members of the household have a question about Bill Bailey's tribute to Kraftwerk:

"Shouldn't it be die Hokey Kokey, not das?"