A Very Bad Mum

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 17:58:46 GMT

Evil Mother: "Why haven't you put the laundry out like I told you to half an hour ago?"
Innocent Child: "Because the machine hasn't run."

Ooops.
Mind you, she could have pressed the on button for me. It was all loaded with soap etc...

The kids claim that this is a lie:
Lack of household chores making children less responsible, claims survey (Guardian)

Consequences

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 10:59:04 GMT

Can anyone recall an example of a case where the printer jamming and Dad being too busy to fix it immediately has caused a fatality in teenagers wishing to print out song lyrics?

Domesticity...

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 18:17:31 GMT

There weren't as many tins of rhubarb as I was expecting left in the cupboard so I'm cooking a rhubarb, papaya and banana crumble for tea today.

Least convincing excuse of the day...

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 16:06:38 GMT

Me: "Why aren't you practicing your cello like I told you?"
Child:"Because I can't find it."

Modern times...

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 17:46:35 GMT

Child has been granted a later than usual bedtime tonight...

... in order that she doesn't miss the 'birth' of virtual kittens on an online game site.

From the Daily Mash

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 19:03:08 GMT

A useful parenting tool...

Following a washing machine related incident...

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 20:21:14 GMT

Evil Mum: "Now children, your next job is to go to the washing machine and...?"
Oppressed Children: "... take out all the stuff and check all the pockets in everything for sweets."
Evil Mum: "And after you've done that you can go to the laundry basket and...?
Oppressed Children: "... take out all the stuff and check all the pockets in everything for sweets."
Evil Mum: "And after you've done that you have to chop down the tallest tree in the forest with...?
Oppressed Children: "... a herring."

Perspectives:

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 17:37:29 GMT

Either:

1) World's Most Evil Mother In Child Labour Atrocity!!! Forces innocent teenager to do job so icky that no human should have to face it!

or

2) The person who ate the bacon should be the one who deals with the congealed fat in the pan afterwards.

Monochrome...

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 11:57:36 GMT

Well, I've previously done blacks washes and whites washes, but today was the first purples wash.
No prizes for guessing the kids' favorite colour these days...

Hot stuff

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 20:29:19 GMT

Fatherly advice on spicy food:

"Don't eat any more of the things that look like green beans."

Packing for the holidays...

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 10:00:53 GMT

In the old days I used to select and pack all the kids' clothes for them, nowadays my involvement is limited to insisting that they turn out the bags they have packed so it can be established that sufficient jumpers, clean underwear, waterproofs and toothbrushes were packed before all other available space was filled with books.

How to get teenagers to tidy a bedroom:

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 16:20:01 GMT

1) Discuss the need for tidiness with especial reference to things they own not getting stepped on, visitors not breaking ankles attempting to cross said bedroom and colonies of rodents such as cabybara not nesting in long forgotten corners...
2) Give up on reasoning and issue a decree
3) Make cup of tea
4) Re-issue decree, with addendum on the point that sorting out one's pencil case doesn't count.
5) Retreat to recover composure
6) Return and confiscate graphic novel / complete works of Shakespeare / magazine / etc.
7) Suggest that picking up bigger objects first would be more constructive than picking up little bits
8) Wish it was easier to get valium on prescription
9) Try to make appreciative noises about clear floor while also suggesting tactfully that dumping everything on one's bed rather than putting it away is likely to result in unforeseen complications around 9.30pm...

In celebration of Towel Day

Mon, 25 May 2009 17:36:33 GMT

I do know where my towel is...
It's not in the bathroom where it's supposed to be, but the children's habits in such matters are relatively predictable.

Time for bed...

Sat, 23 May 2009 10:35:50 GMT

Kids were lazing on the bed with us as yesterday evening as Dad had been reading 'Mansfield Park' to us all in installments.
The first attempt at bedtime led to a compromise of "Just one more chapter" given the argument on one side of "It's past your bed time" and, on the other side of "But tomorrow is Saturday".

Following the conclusion of the agreed chapter compliance on the part of the infantry was less than immediate:
Teenagers: "Aww Mum... we're not tired!"
Me: "Yes you are. You were horribly grumpy this morning, therefore you need more sleep."

[general grumbling and inertia on the part of children]

Me: "Go to bed or I'll tickle you".

There followed a short tickle fight, at the conclusion of which the infantry fled the field.

Sun, 17 May 2009 11:52:17 GMT

Oh, I now have a Dreamwidth account.
Feel free to add it if you like.

Fri, 15 May 2009 20:07:49 GMT

Children are not allowed to climb trees:

1) while the weather (and the tree) is wet
2) while wearing wellies
3) while wearing high heels
4) while in a silly giggly mood where they don't seem to be concentrating
5) while being babysat by anyone of a nervous disposition

... have I forgotten any other relevant circumstances?

Wed, 06 May 2009 18:29:01 GMT

Today we are having Xmas pudding and custard for dinner.

The reason for this slightly unseasonal choice is that we failed to find the first lot of Xmas puddings while doing the three days before Xmas "Oh my goodness, the in-laws will be joining us for Xmas dinner! Have we got everything we need???" panic, and ended up buying more.
This is the last one though (I think)

Fundamental issues...

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 21:28:58 GMT

The workings of a van engine were explained to junior members of the household, with especial reference to the operational principles of the crankshaft.

After pondering the subject for a while the response was: "You really wouldn't want to stick your hand in there, would you?"

First ice cream cone of the year...

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 15:30:20 GMT

Mine was slightly melted on account of my being lazy and not going along to the shop with the kids.

Is there a linguist in the house?

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 14:08:43 GMT

The junior members of the household have a question about Bill Bailey's tribute to Kraftwerk:

"Shouldn't it be die Hokey Kokey, not das?"

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 11:25:21 GMT

Daughter: "I just read a book about Elvis"
Husband:"Uh-huh..."

Spooky....

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 17:46:12 GMT

The washing machine just switched itself on, totally at random...

... there is, of course, absolutely no connection to the fact that a daughter was leaning against it, closing the door and pressing the buttons in the process...

Birthdays

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 17:28:19 GMT

Presents didn't get wrapped last night due to certain junior members of the household not actually going to sleep until after the adults had crashed out.

Luckily there were some gift bags around the place which were pulled in to service at whatever dreadful hour of the morning it was when the cheerful birthday child arrived at my bedside with tea* and a hopeful expression.

*... they've definitely got the idea that offerings of caffeine are required when approaching parents before the alarm clock has gone off...

Homework in the 21st Century

Sat, 10 Jan 2009 22:49:54 GMT

"I really like powerpoint. You just put a few facts in and it looks like you've done loads of work."

... the use of tools...

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 20:38:32 GMT

Following on from a dinner table discussion on whether it was acceptable to eat fruit strudel and ice cream with fingers:

Chimps use cutlery (at least they collect ants on sticks and eat them from the sticks).
What other animals use cutlery?